resolutions

it's entirely overwhelming to try and be mindful in every moment. mind's cogs a-whirring and sputtering, splattering fragments of thought from a schizoid assembly line. fears, anxieties, worries, real or imagined, sparring with mundanities and varying degrees of hedonism and niceties. swirling in self-interest. seems a touch narcissistic. is it really so far from the sermon of self care which is waxed lyrical? take a warm bath. breathe deeply. light some candles. melt, focus on nothing but your one body, forget everything else. what if I'm already trying to forget my body too, the baby with the bath water? isn't it all just another distraction.
maybe instead we should try and do the opposite.
feel everything. not paying attention while doing dishes but running until you can't breathe. don't obscure, notice. uncover, reveal, learn. get angry and get hurt. instead of attempting to slow the hamster wheel, let it spin until the screws spark. then you can reignite, refocus. breathe deeply.
ignore the nihilism of the following, and think perhaps destruction is necessary. fail, fall down, get back up. in these moments you are both in and out of your thoughts. consciously, a trapeze act of gut drive and resiliency. floating instead of drowning, forever bobbing and dipping. aware of black and white and choosing the inky cloud of grey betwixt. truly mindful.